Today is April Fools Day and if you’ve been perusing our competition, you may have noticed several gag stories. Rather than write one of our own, we’ll outline some of the top April Fools Day headlines we concocted.
Patrik Antonius Really from Wisconsin
He may have a bald head and thick Finnish accent, but Durrrr Challenge participant Patrik Antonius is actually from Madison, Wisconsin. Born Mordecai Zimmerman II, Antonius was tutored at a young age by fellow Cheeseheads Phil Hellmuth and Mark “P0ker H0” Kroon. After his Bar Mitzvah, Antonius realized that he needed a gimmick in order to break through in the poker industry. Sure enough, while eating at State Street Brats one night, Antonius had an epiphany. “What if I became a Scandinavian? American girls love Scandinavians!” Sure enough, the Patrik Antonius persona was born. Antonius was ultimately exposed after revealing that he sleeps with a Brett Favre plush doll.
Russ Hamilton Elected U.S. Ambassador to China
With Chinese-U.S. relations strained as a result of burgeoning debt, the Barack Obama administration turned to the only man capable of righting the ship, Russ Hamilton. Unfortunately, the hole Hamilton exploited to reap millions of dollars from customers of Ultimate Bet was closed, forcing Hamilton to use his wit, dashing good looks, and superior golf skills to woo Chinese diplomats. “This is uber-exciting,” Hamilton told Poker News Daily. “Does anyone know if seeing cards in Traktor Poker helps?” We don’t speak Chinese, so we were unable to get comment from government officials.
2010 WSOP Canceled Due to Economic Concerns
The 2010 World Series of Poker (WSOP) has been axed due to ongoing economic concerns. With Harrah’s acquisition of Planet Hollywood in Las Vegas becoming official today, casino executives decided to focus their efforts on reviving the Planet Hollywood restaurant brand around the world. “The WSOP is exciting and all,” said Harrah’s CEO Gary Loveman, “but it’s getting overrated. I mean really, how many different ways can we come up with to make poker interesting? It’s a bunch of out of shape guys with sunglasses folding cards. To hell with it; long live Planet Hollywood!” With 2010 WSOP pre-registration numbers falling well short of 2006 standards, Loveman and company have reportedly abandoned ship.
Tiffany Michelle Secretly Carrying Phil Ivey’s Baby
Poker News Daily can independently confirm that former “Amazing Race” contestant Tiffany Michelle is pregnant with Phil Ivey’s baby. Ivey is an avid fan of the CBS reality series and, upon seeing Michelle unable to hit a high striker in the Netherlands, instantaneously fell in love with her. “OMG she loves French fries, calling the clock in hands she’s not in, and reality television. She’s my dream girl.” The couple will name their child Clock in honor of Michelle’s poker legacy.
Jennifer Tilly Leaves Phil Laak for LuckyChewy
Poker hottie Jennifer Tilly has reportedly told Phil Laak to buzz off. Instead, she was found dining at In-N-Out Burger with Andrew “luckychewy” Lichtenberger, a 21 year-old. “Time 4 fresh meat,” Tilly wrote on her Twitter account. “I want 2 get lucky w/Chewy!” Laak’s compulsive betting may have led to the breakup. Tilly Tweeted, “WTF? Get a life. C U l8r.” Lichtenberger, who coaxed a woman to take off her panties during an episode of the G4 online poker reality series “2 Months, $2 Million,” is looking forward to showing Tilly a good time: “I just hope my mom lets me stay out past 10.”
Tiger Woods to Leave Golf, Enter Professional Poker
Embattled golf pro Tiger Woods has reportedly traded in his Nike clubs for a skeleton card protector. Woods announced to the world on Thursday that training for the Masters wasn’t going well: “I am officially becoming a poker pro,” Woods told the assembled media at his Florida home. “Joan Rivers said you’re all criminals. I am looking forward to upholding that tradition.” Harrah’s officials immediately announced a Tiger Woods versus Tiger Woods of Poker cage match during the 2010 WSOP. The first nine rounds of the bout will be held in July before being paused for four months. Then, Woods and Ivey will return to the Rio in November to play out the final round.
Stay tuned to Poker News Daily for the latest headlines.
