Tomorrow morning, good little boys and girls all over the world will wake up, run downstairs, and marvel at the bounty that Santa Claus has left them under the Christmas tree. But, for online poker players in the United States, this will not be the best Christmas of all-time. Despite making it through the House Financial Services Committee, Barney Frank’s bill that aimed to legalize and regulate internet gambling lost momentum as the year wound down.
Then, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid was unsuccessful in getting a poker-only bill passed in the lame duck session. Reid’s bill had some serious flaws, so many people are happy about its death, but large portion of the poker community would rather see online poker legalized and regulated than not.
What I would like to do, though, is take that disappointment and turn it into something fun. So here you go, my poker version of Clement Clarke Moore’s (or Henry Livingston’s, depending on what you read) classic poem, “The Night Before Christmas.”
‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
iPoker was silent, no keyboard, no mouse;
The chips were stacked up on the table with care,
In hopes that St. Brunson soon would be there;
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of “Rounders 2” danced in their heads.
And mamma in her hoodie, and I in the same,
Had just settled down for a quick heads-up game,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.
I was hoping for Santa or maybe an elf,
But instead ’twas a man saving me from myself.
Logic had failed him in each word that he said,
And same for his minions wearing ties colored red,
With Arizona plates and a know-it-all smile,
I knew in a moment it must be Jon Kyl.
Following lockstep behind him, they hated our game,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name:
“Now, Bachus! Now, Frist! Now, Goodlatte and Leach!
Gather ’round, come closer, remember my speech!
Online Poker is bad! It hurts our fine youth!
We must speak out against it; spread lies and untruth!”
According to them laundered funds we all hide,
And one third of students attempt suicide.
Sample size be damned, they have one guy to thank,
When he went busto in poker he done robbed a bank!
They don’t care to learn what the game is about
‘Tis the root of evil, of that there’s no doubt.
“Won’t anyone think of the children?” they say,
While lotteries pay for our schools every day.
I can watch porn, build bombs, and trade stocks on the Net,
But these fogeys don’t want me to place one little bet.
Correction! I can, in fact, still play the ponies
‘Cause the horse lobby pays Goodlatte and his cronies.
These guys, they think the game of poker’s all luck,
To that I say let’s play and see who loses a buck.
But even games of pure chance, as long as they’re fair,
Should be my business to play – why should they care?
‘Tis my money, my home, my business, my time,
So screw you for wanting it to be a crime.
I pay taxes, raise my kids, put food on the table,
I should be allowed to play from home if I’m able.
Poker is fun, ’tis a game, for some ’tis their jobs,
So just let us play in our undies like slobs.
Regulating the market is the wise move,
But apparently Kyl has something to prove.
His words sound of contempt, so proud of his work,
And filled with such bunk, he’s a bit of a jerk.
And raising his finger, the middle one, with flair,
And giving a laugh, his broom took to the air.
Drunk with power, to his team gave a whistle,
Congress was adjourned; it was time for dismissal.
We didn’t win this year, but victory’s not out of sight,
Happy Christmas to all, and keep fighting the fight!
